TENDING THE GARDEN OF FRIENDSHIP We are not lovers because of the love we make but the love we have We are not friends because of the laughs we spend but the tears we save I don’t want to be near you for the thoughts we share but the words we never have to speak I will never miss you because of what we do but what we are together -- "A Poem Of Friendship" by Nikki Giovanni (b. 1943): poet, author, and Professor of Literature. "This is an admirable meditation on friendship. Notice particularly the absence of obsession and possession, which are, regrettably, oftentimes the hallmarks of romantic love. The "we" to which Giovanni is referring is not the smothering "two hearts beating as one" ontology (what exists) often seen in romance that produces a deadening dependency and, correspondingly, a stifling jealousy that undermines a relationship. Rather, the friendship, the "we" is Venn Diagrammatic: two circles overlapping somewhat but with a large area of non-overlap, which is open space, that represents the independence of the two persons. In such a relationship there is, then, a recognition that while the friends form a loving union and thus have a life together, there's also, in equal measure, the recognition that each are still autonomous individuals who have a life apart as well so that each can to continue to pursue his or her own interests, which is essential for continued personal growth and, correlatively, for the continued vitality of the friendship. And, therefore, it is, I contend, that continued personal growth on the part of each friend that provides the rain of experience that will continually nourish the garden of friendship and thereby maintain the blossoming of its flowers; togetherness with separateness: the paradox of a love supreme. Nikki Giovanni has in simple, elegant verse given us a phenomenology (a description of the lived experience) of deeply appreciative friendship. The first verse signals what is to come, for she puts genuine friendship on the plane of romantic love: friends are lovers, too. And by implication Giovanni's poem is, I believe, saying something more, which is that when romantic couples say that they are each other's "best friend" -- which has become a cliche -- they are usually paying only lip-service to that ideal. And, second, the poem can also be read as saying that if two people in a genuine friendship were mistaken to be romantic partners, then they should never say, "no, we are *only* friends", because such a friendship is as rich as, and thus should never be spoken of as being inferior to, genuine romance."