LET’S BE CLEAR When someone is used to holding power, explicitly or subtly, your consistent self-advocacy can feel threatening, even if it’s not aggressive. Especially if you’re a woman, older adult, or someone expected to “stay nice,” the simple act of holding your ground may be interpreted as hostility. To those accustomed to your silence, your voice sounds like violence. Some people haven’t developed the resilience to hear disagreement or discomfort without personalizing it. They may label your boundaries as “mean” because it forces them to feel things they’d rather avoid ~ guilt, accountability, or shame. In toxic dynamics, calling someone abusive or a bully is a control tactic, a way to flip the narrative. This often happens in narcissistic or manipulative relationships where the person weaponizes your strength against you. Society often prefers people, especially women, to express needs gently, sweetly, and without making others uncomfortable. Speaking up “too often” or “too strongly” gets framed as inappropriate, especially if you refuse to back down. Many people were raised to fear conflict, not manage it. Any direct communication feels like a threat rather than healthy dialogue. So even calm but firm self-advocacy can be misread as aggression. Bullying is about domination, manipulation, and repeated harm. Self-advocacy is about expressing your needs, setting boundaries, and protecting your integrity, even if it makes others uncomfortable. If you’re speaking up with clarity, not cruelty… If you’re setting boundaries, not imposing control… If your intent is truth, not harm… Then what you’re doing is not abuse ~ it’s integrity.